you guys i am 19 years old today

 the amount of time i have been alive seems infinite

what the hell have i been doing in all of the mundane moments of my life

like how many have i had that they have all added up to 19 years

that feels like such a waste of time! there are very few truely important moments or perhaps moments that we so neutral that it seems like if we trimmed away the fat, the meat underneath would be very lean

does this make sense

i just had an epiphany on the concept of time

the gym was AMAZING for these reasons:

1. hot guys swarming swarmingswarmingEVERYWHERE
2. i was the only girl around my age in there besides two ninny high school freshman that were blonde and twiggy but looked about 12 years old
3. hot guys make me work out harder and i dont realize it because im trying to impress them which is great! free motivation!
4. STRANGE WILDERNESS was on Comedy central. So stupid, so good. Nearly fell of the elliptical laughing 
5. I ran 10 minutes to the gym from my house, did high intensity intervals on the elliptical for about 45 minutes, worked my legs for 10 minutes on the bike, and then attempted to work my arms because they have always been sad and flabby
6. listened to the sweetest country lullabies walking home with the wind blowing to cool me off
7. I feel GREAT

the gym was TERRIBLE for these reasons:

1. there were swarms of hotties and i looked like a doughy mouse face with my hair slicked back and my doughy parts sticking out and the sweet pouring and a beet red face. i was wearing a tanktop so it was arms galore so i felt super self conscious 
2. i have to be ready for work in an hour and i still haven’t showered
3. its not fun working out if you have to watch yourself lumbering around in the mirrors
4. my buttcrack gets really sweaty and i have been known to get sweat stains there

ANYWAYS THAT WAS THE PAST 2 HOURS OF MY LIFE FREAKING GREAT RIGHT

im about to go to the gym but i am bummed because i checked scheduling and my favorite history channel show, American Pickers, isn’t on today so i can’t watch it on the elliptical

now i have no motivation

#historynerdproblems

finally back to working out

feels better than i expected actually

just did 30 min on elliptical doing intervals, and 10 min on a high setting

also ran to the gym and power walked home

the walk home was amazing i listened to my favorite Avett Brothers and a nice cool breeze was blowing and i felt positively high

we will see how long this lasts…

maybe its because im super washed

maybe its because i want to create my own beauty out of something i find unpleasing

but my photobooth and i got poetic 

judge all you like

i call these next pictures

girl in transition

registered for my first college course. 

this is REAL. 

also im excited to take it because it looks super interesting! 

this is the class description:

Topic: Films Adapting Fictions

This course will concentrate on major novels of the twentieth
century and their adaptation or transference to the medium of the
cinema. Reading fictions and watching films, moving from page to
screen, we will ask the comparative question of how the specific
conditions of each art form determine the meanings and cultural
resonances of individual adaptations. We will consider how
influential theories of literature and film, along with general
frameworks of modernism and postmodernism, offer diverse
perspectives on our course materials. Authors will include some
of the following: Joseph Conrad, Philip K. Dick, Toni Morrison,
Cormac McCarthy, William S. Burroughs, Daphne du Maurier,
and James M. Cain.

im debating mac and cheese or ice cream but i think mac and cheese just won

im working on the design for my next tattoo!!

it will be a classic black&grey phonograph/gramophone with brightly colored flowers and leaves and possibly birds or bees streaming out and the words “play on” incorporated 

or possibly the entire phrase “if music be the food of love, play on” 

i am excited!! :)

i want to be apart of something bigger than myself

and i want to know what it feels like to be in love

why is it that i go ages and ages without much to entertain and then BAM

along come two boys at once. 

last time this happened, i made the wrong choice. 

i’m sort of letting it all play out, but i think i know who i’m going for. 

i dont know i cant really explain it without feeling and sounding like a giant shallow slutaroni

just know, dear internet, this never ever ever ever ever happens for me, and when it does it always seems to be in these circumstances. 

oh and also its never worked out for me before either so i can safely say i am scared shitless. 

guy #1 is 19 and just so unbelievable cool and smart and talented and tall and broad and funny and perfect and everything i have always pined for

but i dont feel like i will be cool or smart or talented or funny or pretty enough for him

(and also yeah he sort of dated one of my best friends a few years ago for 2 months and she reintroduced us and was like “omg i never realized how perfect you guys were for each other” because we talked nonstop forever and she sort of gave me her blessing but that is dangerous territory because she means the absolute fucking world to me and i would never want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable so yeahhh i am potentially a giant shithead we will see)

guy #2 is 23 and a member of the coast guard and older and mature and has a horse and an apartment and likes the same cheesy 80s movies as me and country music

but i met him when i was really high so i have no idea what that really could be like but he sure seems to like me so i was obviously saying something interesting and he thought i was pretty when i was a royal shit show so points to him. he is definitely into me… like jesus why?!?

idk i feel like i am chasing and being chased all at once and its this weird triangle and no one is going to win and im just going to end up feeling dumber and lonelier then when i started

but i guess i have to try right?

anyway im seeing guy #1 tomorrow night i am so excited and nervous i think i might jump out of my skin. im not sure what we are going to do but i am sure that we will never run out things to say to each other judging by last time which is one of the greatest feelings in the world. i could probably talk to him forever. 

then of course guy #2 texted me tonight and he wants to hang out and watch cheesy  80s movies sunday night. i lied and told him i had to find out if i had work on sunday and that i wouldnt know until tomorrow night… aka until i see where i stand with guy #1

okay this has all been done a billion of times in all of the teen books i used to read but just ariurghrhghg you guys i am still wrapping my head around the fact that a boy could even like me as more than a friend. 

like wtf??!!! where do they get off doing that?!?!

anyway please keep me in your prayers because this is about to either be amazing or the biggest shit show ever. 

but seriously 

WHO AM I

WAT

i just spent nearly 50 dollars on all of the episodes of pushing daisies on itunes

it was worth it okay

i miss it. 

ive had a hell of a weekend. 

met a ton of interesting people

really feeling the whole “make new friends but keep the old” saying lately. 

i love everyone and i love the world. 

yes.